not one of those productive feeling days

Stuff I did today: completed every current task involving printing book 2 of Rita. Contemplated Drowning City, had a thoughtful conversation about the planned rape scene in that with a friend who's been through being raped. It's still in but it's definitely not going to be played for fap material. Moved the overfill laundry basket next to the front door but didn't actually do any. Fiddled around playing some video games. Put the sun lamp away for spring.

I tried to get myself moving on the next page of Rita, or some other thing that Needs Doing, but the back of my head was all “dealing with this book stuff was a big stress deal for a couple days, I don't want to think about Rita at all today”.

I should probably feel like I got Some Stuff Done but I really don't. Adding another page to the current big project feels like progress; dealing with making the book happen doesn't.

I guess that some of the bits of writing I did while contemplating Drowning City counted as work too? It wasn't much, but some of it included adding more detail to an important climactic scene that's pretty directly related to my own wounds, and that was kind of emotionally draining.

Tomorrow: laundry, clean up stuff left over from approving book proofs, make doctor appointment, probably draw some Rita. I'm never going to get ahead of schedule at this rate, ever. Oh well. As long as I keep picking away, it'll get done.

 

Protected: Drowning City alpha script

This content is password-protected. To view it, please enter the password below.

ponder whether or not I should have a trigger warning on Drowning City for offscreen but definite rape and mindfuck

a few friends who are rape survivors offer to look over it

pull out existing script to see about putting together a copy for them to look at

start writing bits here and there as I flip through it

write a few panels about the relationship between the main character and another one that directly relates to one of the personal wounds of my own this story is built around

start crying


Drawing this comic is going to be SO MUCH FUN. And by “fun” I mean “ripping off some very very old emotional scabs”. God I hope I never need to write anything this painful again, this whole comic is basically distilled angst from my two biggest personal tragedies.

watching revolutionary Girl Utena: 4

in which elephants. Continue reading

naming inaminate objects

I have exactly one dress that has a name. It is a bright orange dress printed with big orange/yellow/white flowers. It hugs my body like it was made for me, but it’s just a super lucky vintage shop find.

It is named “Boys for Pelé” and wearing it tends to bring a certain attitude. I pretty much can’t wear it unless my hair is bright red.

The only other thing I own that has a name is my laptop. You can call it Tealfour, which is short for its real name. You’re not allowed to know its real name.

I walked into my closet today after yoga class and wondered what I should wear. Then I realized I was already wearing orange socks and tights printed with lava, and my hair is still hot red. Yeah. Today’s a volcano sex goddess kind of day.

And now, bacon.

watching Revolutionary Girl Utena: 3

In which we discover that being queer is pretty much entirely normal for these characters, and take a trip through the interior world of Mean Popular Girl.

Continue reading

watching Revolutionary Girl Utena: 2

Worked on Rita for a while, then decided it was time for a break. And I managed to coax my tablet into loading a couple more episodes of Utena. Here are the things I wrote down while watching them, for your amusement.

Wait didn’t I see this opening already? Is this really episode 3? *scrubs back and forth* yep! Ep 3 starts with the same little playlet as ep 1.

Holy shit. Every single girl in this school wants to either do
Utena, or be her. The way they stop and stare whenever she passes.

Oooh. Utena denies being gay, says she wants a man. And then here comes a creepy bishonen with red hair to call her pretty and patronize her. Who turns out to be The Prince Who Gave Her The Ring. The one that inspired her to become a heroic prince who rescues girls.

How the hell does “sitting on top of an ivory tower dueling” translate to “breaking the egg of the world and ruling it”, student council?

Mmmm. Unpopular, awkward student being mocked by the popular girls. Anthy is going to enjoy being the homecoming queen almost as much as Carrie, I’m sure.

Anthy and Utena get dresses delivered by a disembodied voice. Did Anthy’s come with contacts, or with condoms?

YES. The “Do you know? Do you know?” shadow puppets are back again. The chorus, the Voice of the People, the “they” in “you know what they say”. Someday I need to do a story with a Geek chorus like this. These repeating images and shots are starting to give this show a fugue-like structure.

Utena’s dress: a huge red rosebud in the middle of a giant field of PINK. Is it just me or does that sound kinda suggestive? Prince dude is trying super hard to force her into traditional female roles here. Meanwhile the one dark skinned person is being stripped half naked for the amusement of the haughty rich ladies, who feed on Anthy’s humiliation. But it brings out PRINCE UTENA to save the day.

Okay I totally want Prince Utena to sweep me up in her arms and save me and dance in a romantic field of soft focus and floating rose petals. She can totally top the hell out of me. Am I going to end up drawing my dragon character cosplaying as Anthy with someone someday.

Oooh, I like how episode 4 cuts straight to the fight. Fake out, now we flash back and find out what’s happening here. Me being me, I kind of want to go forwards from here and intercut the fight with flashbacks, or just leave a lot unsaid. (Though as the episode progressed I was glad to see things being said.)

Oh good, finally someone who wants poor antisocial Anthy. Even if the Did You Know puppets end up implying that Mr. Blue-Haired Musician From The Student Council is being a total Nice Guy all over Anthy. They just about handed him his fedora.

And why does he obsessively click his stopwatch? This will be important at some point; it’s been repeated a lot. Once an episode before, now twice in the first half of episode 4.

Oh my god I love the repeated scenes with Popular Girl trying to implement “Operation Anthy’s A Total Weirdo Who Keeps Creepy Animals In Weird Places”.

Also I am totally finding myself sympathizing with Anthy. I was totally that weird kid with glasses who sits in a corner, doesn’t have any friends, and draws flipbooks in the corners of her notes. Seriously so many flipbooks.

Summation: Oh my god I am so totally gay for Prince Utena now. I want to swoon just thinking about her.

watching Revolutionary Girl Utena: 1

So this morning, Sigil shared a link to this.

The opening to ‘Revolutionary Girl Utena’, done with cartoon horses. Even aside from the obvious ‘we replaced humans with horses’ this looked… strange, and weird. Weird enough that I hunted up the real opening.

Ten seconds in, I had determined that that this show was about two things: legs and roses. Forty seconds in, I realized it was also about a lesbian couple. When I said that this looked really kind of intriguing, a half dozen people were all “oh my god you’ve never seen Utena you will totally love Utena how can you never have seen Utena”.

(The answer to the last is a combination of several factors.
1. I have only learnt how to actually watch Japanese TV cartoons in the past decade; I’m very much part of the American animation culture that loves simple designs that can be very fully animated. Japanese cartoons tend to have much more complex designs and very limited animation; for years all I could really see was the myriad shortcuts they were taking, and nothing else.
2. All the rampaging otaku I’ve ever known always insisted that you HAVE to watch the subtitled version of anything from Japan. I hate watching subtitled cartoons; I want to actually look at the animation. If I’m gonna read, I’d rather go read a book or a comic. Plus I really get no nuance or emotion out of Japanese dialogue.
3. On top of that cultural chasm, there’s gender issues. Utena is strongly coded as being For Girls, and I’ve always steered away from media coded that way. In part because my tastes were formed along somewhat masculine lines before the gender dysphoria started to bubble up, in part because watching something that aggressively feminine seemed like the media-consumption equivalent of dressing my entire life in pink ruffles. Which I felt is especially unfortunate when you’re a transwoman who may not pass that well, which I was for a while.)

I’d vaguely heard of Utena for a while. Seeing this intro and reading the Wikipedia page on the series made me decide to check it out. And maybe some other stuff in the Magical Girl genre as well.

I am beginning to think that this was the same kind of flip decision as Alice’s decision to follow a talking rabbit down a hole.

I watched the first two episodes on Youtube, still lying in bed. Got up with the intent of watching the next couple sitting in a comfy chair while eating breakfast, and maybe being a lazy slug and spending half the day binging on most of what I could find on youtube. But I was defeated by my iPads deciding they didn’t want to watch anything on YT any more once I’d gotten up.

I mentioned this on Twitter, and now it seems I’m gonna have the whole series dumped on me via IM tonight (and maybe a couple others as well – maybe Great Magical Girl Anime, maybe just Great Anime). Or I could spend fifty dollars to see it via iTunes but apparently nobody involved in actually making it would get a piece of the money that way so whatever.

Anyway: here is my tweets whilst watching the first two episodes, along with some additional thoughts. More later when I get later episodes; this is an interesting show that seems to be actively deconstructing itself. Which is always good.

I am watching “Revolutionary Girl Utena”. It is about legs and roses.

It is probably about time I dig into the Japanese “Magical Girl” tradition. Apparently this is a very self-aware instance of that?

I love how Utena is just constantly and unapologetically positioned as a love interest for the ladies.

A friend noted that it’s full of weirdness and symbolism, and most importantly, ADOLESCENCE. With which I concurred.

Anthy’s incredibly blasé response to her being the champion’s slave is fucking creepy.

What is this creepy monkey mouse. It scares me.

Oh man are these shadow puppets going “do you know do you know” going to be a repeated thing. YES.

wondering if I’m starting research for a magical girl story five years from now

I’m gonna end up singing along to “Absolute Destiny Apocalypse” by the end of this, aren’t i.

Sudden realization that this is probably where Scott Pilgrim pulling a sword from his heart comes from. Somehow it’s a lot creepier when the sword comes out of the heart of an ultra submissive woman.

Anthy needs to learn how to pick better dommes, sheesh.

Really love the cinematography in the scene starting at 9:57 in ep 2. Disorienting. It puts me in mind of that scene in Chinatown where the camera slowly circles around the characters, but done in a very graphical way. (Honestly I’m finding that I’m dissecting this almost as much as a ‘motion comic book’ as a cartoon. That’s an attitude I’ll have to remember whenever I want to watch most anime, I think. It makes the part of my brain bitching about how few actual drawings there are shut right the hell up.)

Oddly enough I also kinda want to compare the highly symbolic Utena to the highly symbolic Promethea, now that I’m in the studio. (I’d just taken 3/5 of Promethea out of the library and read it last night; looking down at the books with a head full of Utena, I realized you could totally sum up Promethea as “Alan Moore teaches you about Crowley and the Kabbalah via a Majgickal Girl.”

All the characters in the first two eps of Utena are anime-Euro. Except for Anthy, the… um… black? Indian? slave. I can’t tell what race she’s intended to be because she has the same stereotypical “pretty” face as everyone else, but… yeah. She’s a much darker color than everyone else and has a little dot on her forehead (I wonder if she had an accent in the original Japanese voices? I doubt I could even tell if she did.). And she’s super servile to whoever wins her in a tournament. PROBLEMATIC.

I do, on the other hand, like how normalized Utena’s gender crossing is. There’s one scene in the beginning where a teacher gives her shit for dressing in a boy’s uniform for the second year in a row, then it’s dropped, and various girls openly swoon over her like she’s the prettiest, sexiest thing in school. This show is really aggressively normalizing some very different modes of feminine sexuality than normal. (Contrast, though, with the fact that her hair is hyper-feminized – long and pink – while super-subby-femmy Anthy has short, butch, blue hair.)

And thinking about it, yeah, my god these characters are super adolescent. Including the way half of them follow all these orders from a mysterious organization named END OF WORLD. I mean okay maybe it sounded a lot better in the original Japanese but damn.

Anyway. That’s it for now. More later, Rita ain’t gonna draw itself.

well that was a day

Got up early, finished a page of Rita, posted it, went to yoga. There was a substitute instructor who was kinda brutal – which was good! Despite me already being achy from pole dance on Sunday. Some things were easier than I expected them to be.

Then I came home to find my website down. I poked at it for a bit and submitted a trouble ticket; I really wasn’t sure if it was my site, or the machine it’s hosted on being a problem. I’m still not quite sure, really. I went out to Trabant to try and get some work done on Rita, but I ended up just nervously fiddling with the site for the most part, especially once the hosting control panel came back up. Something is spiking my site’s memory usage through the roof intermittently, to the point where it gets automatically shut down. I’ll have to do some investigation to try and figure out why; right now it seems to be back to normal. Maybe. I’m not sure.

I came home, hoping to work on Rita. Instead I ended up just reading most of the first three volumes of Promethea, the comic in which Alan Moore tries to slip an Introduction To Majgickqgh course under people’s radar in the form of a superhero comic. Mostly I’d picked it up because I found it sitting in the teen comics section of the library, which amused me given that volume two has an entire chapter devoted to some pretty damn expicit tantric sex. (Not that it really matters, given that the teen comics section is right next to the grownup comics section.) I really can’t say how well it does at blowing people’s mind with Fundamental Majgickq Ideas, what with me having read entirely too much about that in the past.

And then I went out to the comics meetup at the bar. I shared a toast to crowdfunding; Jer had just launched the Kickstarter for his book, and I was having a glass of cider that had been paid for by my Patreon campaign. (Pretty much exactly – it cost $5.25, and that’s how much I get per page right now. Minus Patreon’s cut and the credit processor’s cut, also plus the tip, but whatever. Patreon paid for me to get a little buzzed tonight, and that is awesome, and I thank everyone who made that happen!)

I talked about various people’s projects, got the next two pages of Rita set up and mostly roughed out (there’s some reference I need to find, and the net at the bar hates me), and tried to see how many of the characters from Pogo I could draw from memory. I got eight out before I decided that was enough! I think I could have managed a couple more, but I would have been pushing it.

Pogo-Doodle

(click for full size)

L-R: Pogo Possum, Albert Alligator, Howland Owl, Churchy La Femme, Porkypine, Mole, Miz Beaver, Mam’zelle Hepzipah. Some are more off-model than others.

edit. I got a response to my ticket, the problems were due to “system admins had to perform some critical MySQL and disk maintenance”. Which means it is not my fault and I don’t have to spend the next three days trying to figure out what’s gone wrong instead of drawing more pages of comics. Hooray!

hello, body. good to be back.

Oh man. Yesterday I kinda bummed around feeling achy from Sunday’s pole dance class and not doing too much of anything. This morning, I woke up early. I still ache in places I’ve never ached before, but I’m finding myself bouncy and flexible and eager to move like I haven’t been since burlesque class trailed off. Doing this kind of thing really connects me with the joy of having a physical body like nothing else.

It is quite possible that I am simply one of Nature’s strippers.