removing depressing mundanities

Today, I cleaned my toilet. It’s been needing it for… several months, now. It was a bit meh in the summer when I went down to New Orleans to be by my mother’s deathbed, and by the time I got back it had matured into some dark spots on the inner lid that helped refresh the dark spots in the bowl far too quickly.

This was, of course, pretty depressing to see every time I went to the bathroom. But I was also depressed about my mom’s death, and pretty soon I was depressed due to it being winter, as well.

Every time I’d go to the bathroom seeing the state of my toilet would make me feel just that tiny bit shittier. But I could never wind up the mental energy to just fucking clean the thing – I’d have to figure out how to remove the lid so I could put it in the tub with something soaking into the top for a while. It felt complicated. Just thinking about trying to figure out how to do this was depressing.

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This is what depression looks like.

I finally did it today. And made a stab at the clean laundry pile that’s been sitting next to my bed for about as long. I feel a lot better about my apartment now.

I’m sure I’ll still be mopey and sad. I’ve got two very good reasons to. But at least I’ll have one less stupid fucking household chore gnawing at the back of my head, making me a little bit sadder every time I tend to a fundamental bodily need.

I feel like if I get nothing else today, cleaning my fucking toilet is still a major accomplishment. Dealing with laundry on top of that? I’m winning at life.

  1. *Hug* Yes, you are definitely winning at life. I’ve not reached that point before, but I’ve had multiple occasions where I’ve had stuff pile up because I couldn’t face dealing with it.

    This past summer, I finally got the entire floor of my bedroom cleared for the first time in… years. And have all of my financial documents and other Important Stuff filed in a big box where I can easily retrieve them. Yeah, #winning.

    I’ve still got a way to go, but I’m gonna stick at it. Next hurdle is my savings & investments, which I’ve mentally blocked out for way too long.

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