There is this pattern my dreams take sometimes: I go to pee, and things are Wrong, then I wake up and have to pee really really bad. Well, tonight, I didn’t wake up. And I don’t regret it because holy shit it was the best Wrong Pissing Experience dream ever.
I sat on the toilet and started peeing. And kept peeing, and peeing. I looked down and the toilet was this deep abyss with all these huge multicolored crystals hanging from the inside of the lid and poking up from far down in the cavern inside the bowl. The water was crystal-clear and up to my dangling testicles. I didn’t care, I just kept peeing. Even when a second hole opened up beneath the head of my penis. Well, that was kind of weird and unpleasant because of how the urine jetted out against my balls (probably because at this point I was starting to actually let loose some in reality). But I held a finger over it to try and stop it and kept peeing. As I did I looked closely at my penis and it was this weird flat-headed thing completely unlike a normal human penis. But it was still jetting urine. Mostly I was aiming it at the various crystals and watching them disintegrate. After a bit my penis changed to be this long, thin thing – about the length of two fingers, and thinner than one, yet very stiff – and I had to maneuver it carefully to not touch any of the piss-crystals, because they were kinda prickly. Also because they were crystallized pee, and that’s just icky. But really I didn’t care, I was having the greatest time ever peeing here overall.
There was a brief interlude where I was opening up a storage compartment in a car and taking out a bunch of little red and blue plastic figures – each color was stored in their own compartment, of course – and setting them out to pee on them. Of course. At some point someone described them as incubi and succubi. I don’t know, this is a thing I dreamt and it really didn’t make sense.
I got up and opened the toilet, looking at all the variegated colors of piss-crystals that had resulted from my excretions. Now instead of a toilet it was this huge decorative living room thing, that had stored something that was now thoroughly covered in my pee and the colorful crystals. My mother was kind of angry but I really didn’t give a damn; I was incredibly satisfied for some reason. The whole dream had this deep, animal satisfaction vibe to it that lingered beyond waking up.
For good measure, I started pissing in my mother’s kitchen sink, which was now next to the decorative living room storage unit somehow. And then I woke up in a wet spot. And I was both all “aww, crap”, and all “I don’t care, that was SO IMMENSELY SATISFYING.”
The sheets are in the washing machine, and I’m mildly annoyed at my body doing this the night before I have a con to leave for, but whatever, it’s not like I’m leaving first thing in the morning. I’m sitting by the open window, listening to the occasional car pass by in the rain, and I’m just oddly happy. Like I said at the start: this was the best Wrong Place To Pee dream EVER.
