This morning I found myself watching the episode of Muppets Tonight guest starring The Artist Formerly Known As Prince. In the shower, I ended up singing the theme from the original Muppet Show, which got branded into my kid brain in a way the Muppets Tonight theme never did.
Well, because I am old and haven’t really thought of that theme in ages, I sang fragments. Mostly Statler and Waldorf’s lines:
Why do we always come here?
I guess we’ll never know.
It’s like a kind of torture
to have to watch this show!
So that question was on my mind. And I came up with the objectively worst answer: Statler and Waldorf were a gay couple who contributed a lot to their city’s theatre scene; they worked behind the scenes for years, helping with every aspect from stagehand to finance wrangler. They made their world a brighter place. But they died in solidly Christian territory, without acccepting Jesus as their savior. And thus, their purgatory. Endless confinement in their box seats at the Muppet Theatre.
It’s not too bad. They never feel thirsty, or hungry, or tired. But holy crap it’s sure not good.
(This is of course the objectively worst answer because “they’re actually dead and in hell/purgatory/heaven” is always the worst possible recontextualization is a story.)