celebrations

Once again, I am celebrating Thanksgiving in my traditional manner: by making sure there is food in the kitchen on the day before, and not going anywhere. It is, perhaps, slightly lonely in the way being alone on big FAMILY TOGETHERNESS holidays are, but it’s infinitely preferable to “having a strained conversation with my grandmother over tasteless turkey”, or “having a shit-ton of my housemate’s friends invade the already-overcrowded house for half a week, then staring at a kitchen full of the dishes said housemate can’t be bothered to clean up for a month”, which is the entirety of the “Thanksgiving celebrations” that I’ve been forced to endure in the past. Supposedly it can be fun if you actually spend it with people you like spending time with, but I’ve never had that happen.

An acquaintance had invited me to a party at her house this year, but she’s moved way down by the airport, and I really don’t feel like spending an hour on the bus, plus another coming back, for the vague possibility of having a good time. I dunno.

Feh. I thought I was past the place in my life where these wintertime “huddle with your family” holidays made me feel alone and friendless and reminded me how utterly lacking I am in the skills to change that.

Well I guess at least I’m thankful today doesn’t mean I’m gonna be seeing a mountain of dirty pots and pans that don’t fit into the dishwasher and that nobody in the entire house can be bothered to clean up. Man. Mood like this, maybe I should see if I can find a torrent of Cerebus and read the whole saga today, in a celebration of the mindset that sees the title character dying alone and unloved.

So I guess in summation, fuck Thanksgiving, fuck Christmas, and fuck Valentine’s Day while I’m at it, fuck Black Friday and Cyber Monday too. And fuck me for being nervous in social situations and being terrible at cultivating and maintaining friendships, while I’m at it. I’m gonna go blow a few hours playing a stupid fucking videogame until my eyes bleed now so I can let this unexpected pile of misery and hate subside.

also while I am lashing out: fuck everyone who’s going to get pissy at me for daring to mention my ex-housemate’s love of cooking and hatred of doing the dishes, if she’s so wonderful and defendable why the fuck couldn’t you ever get off YOUR asses and clean up after her. Oh and the hell with it let’s just let it all out; fuck my ex-boyfriends for deciding living with her was preferable to living with me. And if you’re reading this thinking “well I guess I know why” then fuck you too and the horse you rode in on, just to cover all the bases.

…I woke up late and haven’t had anything to eat yet. I should have some breakfast. The world generally sucks a lot more when I’m hungry. So one more: fuck my body for its crappy design that just makes me pissy and irritable and emotional when I’m hungry instead of raising an obvious HEY FEED ME flag.

edit. Also. Fuck me of last night for leaving a mess in the kitchen and not noticing that the dishwasher had every single one of the bowls I use for breakfast in it, waiting to be cleaned.

edit. Also fuck me for whining about a holiday that celebrates eating too much and then going out to buy a lot of crap. Especially when I keep on looking at myself in the mirror and seeing about ten pounds too many.

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